my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
You Might Also Like
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Why is this me 😫
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”