my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
You Might Also Like
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming