Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”