My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.