Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”