Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

me when somebody idk start touching me

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.