Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.