Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder