My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Good morning
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
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