My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
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I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
my first dose meeting my second
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?