My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Message from the dog groomers
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
