My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
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Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans