Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.