My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
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in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.