Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

Huge, if true.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.