My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.