Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?