My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.