My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Otters drive ottermobiles.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.