My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
SPLOOT
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.