@ColtonCarlyle

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

@bartandsoul

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

@copymama

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

@juliareinstein

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@ByYourLogic

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

@Douchekevin

Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no