My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no