My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
the battle rages on
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
“You’d better run, egg!”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.