Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?