My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
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Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
congratulations to them
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.