Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

You’re not my real can

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Alexa, make me look good naked.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.