Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.