*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.