My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
