My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
absolutely not
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
