My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.