My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?