Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Me too

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks