Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes