Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

Autocorrect is my menesis

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

This is my emotional support knife.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.