My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.