My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.