My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.