My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.