My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Battery falling down a hole
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
where the womens at?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
good morning
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.