my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
philosophical skeletons be like
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Mountain Goat : )
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.