my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“Sheer Arrogance”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
i just found this in my phone
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]