my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Uh oh…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.