Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

Short story

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.