A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Meow