my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.

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12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude


I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.


This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police


If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine


My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies


Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.


[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian