Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
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My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I have many caverns
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.