My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed