My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
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Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose