My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Passwords are more important than ever.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.