Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

canadian assassins are called killergrams

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

He looks like he’s got a lot to say