Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

yeah not falling for this one

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning