My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants