Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”