My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Bruh
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
scared to check what name she chose
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
thats my bad
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.