My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one