Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

I am HOWLING at this

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-