My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Perfect
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.