Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute