My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Put this video in the Louvre
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.