Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

This hospital has everything

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.