Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!