My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
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My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Beauty and the Beast
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes