My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Received some very disappointing news today
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂