My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
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I’m being attacked 😭
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Sharon, call the vet
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!