my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!