my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur