Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her