*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird