*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
The two types of wives
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.