*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
According to math, I’m broke
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.