-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
mood
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
That time Alicia messaged me
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you