-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.