My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.