My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
You Might Also Like
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.